There is a conversation ongoing inside our heads at every moment. I say inside our heads, but this is a little misleading, because you won’t find this conversation anywhere. There may be neurological activity related to inner conversation, but just like mental images (which we’ll get to in a few days), you won’t find the words or the sounds anywhere inside your head. We don’t know where it is, if, indeed, this is even the correct question to ask. We say, for simplicity's sake, that this conversation goes on in our minds. But where is the mind? We don’t know. All we can say is that it appears to occur, and we’re aware of it.
Our inner conversation tells us who we are and what we are capable of. It supports us, and it takes us down. It criticises us in the voice of our most influential other, even though that other may be long gone. It warns us of rational and irrational threats, and it spurs us on in the pursuit of a goal. It prepares us for important events, and it helps us figure out what to make for dinner. It is strongly associated with our executive function, the activity of which is generally considered to be located primarily in the prefrontal cortex. Our inner conversation can be our greatest supporter or our most fervent adversary.
And there seems to be little doubt that whatever the primary nature of this inner monologue, it will influence our behaviour and our ultimate place in the world. To take two extremes, consider the athlete who repeats almost unbeknownst to themselves, “I can’t do this, I’m not really that good, and I don’t know why I’m here. I’m the weak link here and worried that I’ll let my teammates down.” It seems that the athlete is always poised for failure, even though they have made the squad. They apparently have some ability and train successfully regularly, yet when it comes to competition, they fail to deliver.
Or, consider the guy who was of average academic ability. He decides to work for himself as a mechanic and start a business. He’s nervous but excited. The prospect of earning his own money and being his own boss is motivating. In spite of warnings of failure from his loving parents, his internal conversation is positive. “I want this. This is exciting, I get to decide my own hours and decide what to charge customers. I don’t have all the answers, but it doesn’t matter; I’m a fast learner. This will be a success, I just know it.”
These examples are not real people; however, they capture the essence of my own mental conversation as a 19-year-old. The athlete’s potential is there, but they don’t believe they have the ability or indeed that they belong. The newly qualified mechanic is full of energy and perhaps with no right to believe it, they somehow know their efforts will be fruitful. Bottom line, inner conversation matters. Perhaps is reflects a belief, or perhaps it creates belief. I prefer to think of the inner mental conversation as both an antecedent and a consequence of one’s self-concept.
Taking conscious command of our inner conversation is critical for the living of a healthy successful life. If you have goals for yourself, begin to notice how you speak to yourself. Ask yourself;
Am I unrealistically optimistic—am I taking account of the potential pitfalls here?
Am I unrealistically pessimistic—am I too narrowly focused on all the prior failures in my life?
Am I holding to a successful outcome despite the challenges, or do I allow these to sink me?
The first step in changing an overly pessimistic inner conversation is to stand back from our self-talk and observe it. Take note of it for a week, keep a diary. You’ll notice things. Be careful, though, refrain from using these as further evidence of your inability or incapacity. Think of them instead as evidence of increasing self-awareness and an opportunity to build an alternative inner conversation. It takes effort and some willpower, but it is necessary.
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